Pargol Hashemnia

November 15, 2009

The Life of Auxientius Patrucci

Filed under: Uncategorized — pargol444 @ 5:41 pm

"Auxientius Patrucci"

A stranger may not take more than a fleeting look at me-a quick glimpse and I appear to be an average black man. Look closer… the reality is that I am very different. I have an unconventional sexual preference and an exceptional gift for dancing the polka with spectacular ease and grace. Inside, I am in turmoil, relentlessly haunted by never-ending questions concerning my mission to answer the ultimate question: the purpose of life itself, for me and for my creator. Alas, success seems unobtainable due to the abstract nature of my creator. I am Auxientius Patrucci.

In a world of uncertainty, perhaps it is best to close my eyes and carry on blindly with my life without questioning my being or the purpose of my existence.

It was only when I opened my eyes into this dark world that I became fully aware of my isolation, and realized that I had only one person to depend on, my creator, “Pargol.” Sadly, I will never see nor meet her in person. Although I cannot see her face, I know she is there in the great distance as I can hear her voice. She is the one who brought me into this world, the one who controls every second of my life. However, it took me time to become conscious of my dependency on her, and my inability to survive without her existence. A while after I came into being, I realized that when she was there, I was there, and in her absence, there was nothing but silence and darkness.

It was Pargol’s decision to bring me into this world as a boy with an unconventional sexual preference. From the first breath I took, I was inherently different from the masses, having to fight harder than most in order to be accepted by others. Social isolation has added to the inner turmoil I face. Nevertheless, my sexual preference has been a factor in my flair for fashion, which I employ to complement my pale brown eyes, thick black eyelashes, plump red lips, slender nose, shiny bald head, and skin as black as night. I am fascinated that in spite of being only a month old, I appear to be a young adult who weighs 160 pounds and stand at 1.80 meters. My creator named me Auxientius Patrucci, which has absolutely no meaning to me.

My home is a place with a thousand lights just like the universe. It is called Las Vegas. To me it is still a dark place I yet need to discover. My omnipotent creator has bestowed upon me the talent of dancing the Polka impeccably. Although I constantly entertain and amuse others with my talent, I cannot help but feel like that is not my true mission. I dance on a daily basis with my partner Mortheus, and people constantly commend me for my gift. Mortheus and I perform every night at the Bellagio, and the pay is more than adequate. My colorful costume is conspicuous and demands attention, making me feel naked and vulnerable. I am far from comfortable in it, but it is what Pargol wants me to wear. 

Pargol encourages me to develop my cultural awareness by attending plays and frequenting museums and libraries. She insists that I learn new languages, travel the world and visit places of historical significance. She is concerned about my solitude and pushes me to be less inhibited and actually date other like-minded boys, even Mortheus, whom I abhor. 

In spite of the adventurous life I appear to possess, I often feel lost and lonely. Internally, I deliberate over the purpose of my existence. I had always thought Pargol had an answer to my questions. However, one day, when I bombarded her with my nagging demands, I realized that she did not have any answers for me, just as she did not know the reasons for her own being. It seemed like her relationship with her own creator mirrored my relationship with her: just as Pargol cannot get answers from her creator, I cannot get answers from mine. We are both blind creatures stumbling in the dark; tormented by existential questions that remain unanswered by the entity that created us.

The more I think about my life and witness the harsh realities of the world, and the seemingly pointless suffering which we endure, the more strongly I believe I was created merely as a pawn in an elaborate game, a mere puppet created for Pargol’s amusement. I am a means of escape from the dark shadows of her reality whereby she too is confronted by equivalent issues. Without her I would not exist, yet every so often I cannot help but hate her for creating me. I was never given the choice to come into this world, and for that I am enraged. I am a slave to her every whim and desire. Perhaps she feels the same way about her own existence. I have limited knowledge of Pargol and her creator, yet I am certain that her world is the alleged “real world,” conversely, I am imprisoned in a virtual life. Only I can know what it feels like to be trapped in a fish bowl for eternity.

I have spoken to authorities from all faiths, but it seems to me that religion is a way for us to escape from the questions that plague us rather than answer them. I thought I would get answers from a field more governed by logic and reason than by faith, so I turned to philosophy. I immersed myself in philosophical discussions with others and read a great deal of Nietzsche’s work, as well as the writings of Sartre and Schopenhauer, among others. Alas, the further I engage myself with the many nihilistic postulations, the further the shackles of torment tighten grip on me. It gives substance to my suspicions that life is meaningless and without purpose, and that people are merely carrying on with their lives, void of any understanding of the reason behind their being.

By abandoning the chaos, confusion and ignorance that has confronted me in my plight, I have finally come up with my own conclusion: in a world of uncertainty, it is best to close my eyes and carry on blindly with my life without questioning my being or the purpose of my existence. Perhaps it is best to ignore my mission. As such, I will continue my life as a full time polka dancer for the sake of my creator’s amusement and pleasure.

Yes, I am an avatar, forever doomed to misery…


1 Comment »

  1. You have created a character we can all relate to in one way or another. Amazing!!

    Comment by Nadine — November 27, 2009 @ 8:04 am | Reply

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